The "safe parent"

Whether you're divorced, separated, or still together but navigating emotional instability with your partner, the weight of being the emotionally safe parent is heavy. It's hard not to take it personally when your child directs all their big, messy emotions at you. When they lash out, talk back, or seem to unravel in your presence.

You might notice that when they’re with their dad (or mom), they seem easygoing. They’re polite, agreeable, maybe even a little quiet. They don’t have meltdowns. They don’t push back. They keep the peace.

But then they come back to you and you get the hurricane. There are tears, attitude, anger, and frustration. You're the one they snap at. You’re the one they test. It's so unfair. Why do they do this?

The answer, while not always easy to hold, is deeply affirming: it’s because you are safe.

Children crave predictability and security. When they find that in you, they let their guard down. They know, deep down, that you won’t leave, reject, or punish them harshly. You become the place where the emotional storm lands.

They might be walking on eggshells around friends, unsure if a snarky comment or moment of frustration will cost them connection. Around a parent who is emotionally unpredictable or more reactive, they may tread carefully, not quite trusting how their anger or defiance will be received. But with you? You’re consistent. You’re solid. They know you’ll still be there, even after the meltdown.

This doesn’t mean you’re a punching bag or that boundaries aren’t important, quite the opposite. It means your child trusts you so fully that they risk showing you their most unfiltered selves.

It’s a strange kind of love letter: Here is all of me. The messy, loud, angry parts too. Will you still hold me?

And time after time, you do. Your child knows that with you, love is not conditional. You don’t withdraw when things get hard. You stay.

You are their constant. Their home base. Their safest place to fall apart, and grow back together.